If You Call Fullmetal Short
by Raccoons and Pandas
Summary: Based off of the 'If You Give a Mouse a Cookie' book. Chapter 2 is up: A hung over Roy makes the mistake of giving Armstrong fishbait. Chaos ensues.
1. If you call Fullmetal short

**A/N: dedicated to cajunmafiachick. cause fernando and the chick are our homeslices.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

If you call Fullmetal short, the vein in his head will begin to throb. He will begin to pump his fists and yell, "Who are you calling small?!" He will go on for a bit then decide he will want to kick your ass for calling him short.

He'll ask you to name the time and the place and you'll come up with a smart assed answer. Fullmetal will get steamed again and begin calling you 'A hoity-toity colonel with a god complex'. Calling you every curse he ever learned will remind him of will remind him that you still owe him information on the Philosopher's Stone.

He will ask you for it and some magazines for visual aid. You'll give him copies of your subscription to Colonel Weekly, the magazine you get to keep you being your Coloneliest. He'll immediately ask for a better magazine. So you'll give him a copy of Fury's armor magazine "Protection Weekly." Fullmetal will glare at you as Lt. Havoc mentions how it sounds like a condom catalogue.

Never the less Fullmetal will take the magazine and begin looking through it. Seeing the armor will remind him of Al. He'll then remember that he was supposed to meet up with Al for lunch. He'll ask for the phone.

When you give him the phone, he'll spend hours on it with Al, reminiscing on their life with their original bodies. This will bring up memories of their extended family. When Ed hangs up with Al, he'll be sad. He'll then produce a random photo album and tell you about his crazy Uncle Hummus. Remembering the time Uncle Hummus got bitch slapped by his mother will make him sadder. He will give you the annoying puppy dog face.

Eventually you'll get sick of that face and caving in and ask if there is anything you can do to make him stop. He'll tell you he wants a family reunion and asks if you will organize it. Before you can answer, he'll launch into the guest list, expecting you to write it on your personalized stationary. He'll ask you to reread the list: Alphonse Elric, Juliet Douglas, Granny Pinako, Winry Pinako, Cousin It, Lurch, Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley and Uncle Knicknack. Lt. Hawkeye will explain to him he is not related to the Addamses, but he won't listen. He'll ask how soon can you get it out and you'll try to put the task on Lt. Hawkeye, but she'll threaten your life. So you'll have to get Fury to collect the guest list.

When everyone gets there, they'll expect fireworks. When you refuse to give them fireworks, they'll try to steal their gloves. They'll corner you despite the fact you're in a round office (their that good) until Breda enters with kick ass brownies and a carton of milk.

Fullmetal will naturally want a kick ass brownie and ask you to get it for him. When he gets the brownie, Al will offer him milk. When he sees the milk, he will refuse to drink it. Al will tell him milk is good for his bones and say that his hatred for milk stunted his growth. You'll not be able to resist this opportunity and call Fullmetal "short".

…And chances are, if you call Fullmetal short, the vein in his head will begin to throb.

End

**A/N: Armstrong is next. all suggestions are welcome. yay! Panda**


	2. If you give Armstrong fishbait

_Roy looked down at the fish bait in his coffee cup. Apparently ,Hughes thought he was a funny man. With a scowl, Roy walked over to the base's lounge's sink to dump the fish bait out and thoroughly wash his mug before getting the life-giving coffee. As he walked over, Armstrong burst in the room, sparkles abound. The bastard was fully awake-even at this ungodly hour and his coherentness annoyed Roy to no end. Beckoning to Armstrong, Roy wordlessly dumped the fish bait in Armstrong's out stretched hand. An unreadable look spread on Armstrong's face and with a startle Roy realized he left his ignition gloves in the office…_

_XXX_

If you give Armstrong fish bait, he'll expect to go fishing. He'll ask if you have a fishing pole. When you try to dodge a potential fishing trip by telling him you don't, he'll say with gusto, "That's alright! I have several rods!"

He'll then ask you to drive him to his house to pick them up. Naturally, Lt. Hawkeye will not condone this or hand over the keys. So Armstrong will ask you to hotwire the car. When you finally get it hotwired, Armstrong will want to drive. You foolishly let him do so. He'll then take you on a cross town trip, talking about the techniques of hotwiring cars and how it was passed down in the Armstrong family for generations starting with his Great-great-great-great-great-great uncle (once removed)…Gus who tried to "hotwired" a horse and buggy by slapping the horse's ass.

While you ponder on the theory that his Great-great-great-great-great-great uncle Gus must have married his sister, Armstrong will see a fruit stand. He will make a u-ey, disregarding the old women convention crossing the road with the noble help of a lone boy scout. His deplorable driving will flatten the boy scout into a pancake (and not the good kind of pancake) leaving the old women convention stranded on the wrong side of the street.

Upon seeing the fruit stand, Armstrong will drag you out of the car. He will gleefully run to the fruit stand and snatch an avocado. This will remind him of a muscle cream that he put on when he was training. He will tell you all about the cream as he picks out fruit for it. When he goes to check out, he'll remember he left his pocketbook in his office. He'll ask you to spot him some money. You'll have no choice but to do it.

As you walk back to the car, Armstrong will see the flashing neons of his favorite store…Muscles "R" Us. He'll want to go in and browse. When you get there, you'll find millions of muscle tissue separated in isles named after areas of the body. Armstrong will then have the brilliant idea to give you a muscle-make over. When you're done, you'll look like an Armstrong clone with out the mustache. Unfortunately, when you go to check out, you'll only have enough money for a gigantic forehead muscle. Armstrong will buy it for you (with your money of course). You'll look disproportionate.

As the two of you cross the street back to the car and the stranded old women convention, Armstrong will see the fruit stand. Seeing the fruit stand will remind him it is lunch time. He'll want to go out to eat and ask you to tell him all the options. You'll go down the list and he'll want to go to a Bistro across town. Naturally (and to the dismay of the old women) he'll want to drive.

When you get to the Bistro, Armstrong will order dirt pudding for both of you. While you wait for your food, Armstrong will wonder if a giraffe can become a boy scout. Mercifully, the pudding will come. As the two of you sit and eat the pudding, Armstrong will find a gummy worm. Seeing the gummy worm will remind him of digging for night crawlers. Reminiscing will remind him of his favorite fishing pole. This will remind him that he still has that fishing pole. He'll ask you for fish bait to go along with it.

And chances are, if you give Armstrong fish bait…he'll want to go fishing.

_XXXX_

_Roy entered his office with his shoulders slumped and his uniform filthy. He was undoubtedly late and knew that Hawkeye would give him hell for it. He walked over to his desk and sat down, unaware that his underlings were staring at him. At length, Havoc gathered up enough courage to ask first, after all, his forehead wasn't that bulgy yesterday._

_"Um, boss…what's wrong with your forehead?" _

End

**A/n: There are times I wish stories can be posted with pictures. sigh Hughes is next. Hahaha.**

**Panda**


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